Attention: All athletes, coaches, fans, spectators, commentators, and anyone else who may be considered a guilty party. The following is a list of things that must be stopped IMMEDIATELY in the sports world:
10. Deny today, confirm tomorrow.
This is when an athlete, coach, general manager, etc. denies a report that has been made, only to turn around the next day (oftentimes sooner) and do or say something to CONFIRM the report anyway. If it’s a true, legitimate report, confirm it and move on. Enough of the Rich Rodriguez-syndrome. If you need to, use the old cop-out “No comment,” until you can confirm the report.
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9. Boo-boos
I’m so sick of athletes today making paper cuts into hemorrhages. I’m not talking about legitimate injuries that require rest or surgery. I'm referring to the stubbed toes keeping players on the bench for 3 weeks type of "injuries" (or my personal favorite:the "strained" muscle). Listen: Unless you’re needing surgery or a tourniquet, get back to work. I won’t bring up the money thing….ok yes I will. They make WAY too much money to be allowed to sit out 7-10 days every time they stub their toes. Someone put an end to this circus. (FIFA, you are officially on notice….start calling dives or get rid of the rule.)
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8. “Touchdown!.....er, I mean, No touchdown!....er, I mean, uh, Fumble!....er, actually He’s Safe…uh, Out! Oh forget it, can I go eat my hot wings now?”
Missed calls. Now, in no way am I one of those people who blame the officials for everything. I’m also not a purist who believes human error is “good for the game.” Yes, it is PART of the game, but it shouldn’t RULE the game like it does. There needs to be a system in place (in EVERY sport) that protects the officials, players, coaches, organizations, and fans from games being RUINED by human error. The technology is there, so why not use it?
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7. 15 Minute Replay Reviews
I know, this contradicts #8, but not really. There is a happy medium that needs to be reached between the use of the replay technology, and the length of time it takes to complete a review. If while sitting on my couch watching the TV (non-HD, I might add) can determine after only a couple of replays that the runner was down, or the shooter had his foot on the line, or Bob Bobson wasn’t actually in the crease, then a professional AT THE GAME, WITH THE TECHNOLOGY AT HIS FINGER TIPS, BEING PAID TO MAKE THE DECISIONS can certainly do the same! If you have to cut to more than one sixty second commercial break because a review is taking too long, just call the game and start over tomorrow.
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6. Conspiracy Theories
The idea that a referee or a group of referees would actually join together in efforts AGAINST any one team is the most insane notion I’ve ever heard of. There are no conspiracies. Your team will lose an important game now and then. It doesn’t mean that the commissioner has summoned his armies of officials and commanded them to destroy your blessed empire. It just means that in sports someone has to win and someone has to lose. Yes, TV ratings do in fact matter for revenue purposes. But not enough to throw outcomes and lengthen playoff series, risking the demise of the entire sport itself if found out. Take the tin foil off your head and enjoy the game. Speaking of someone having to win, and someone having to lose…….
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5. Ties
There is no room in sports for a tie. Period. The reason sports were ever invented in the first place was to provide a way for differences to be settled (have you never seen a John Wayne film?) The Olympics, perhaps the first ever known organized sporting event, were created so that different cities could prove their worth and strength to their rivals. Someone had to win, and someone had to lose, otherwise nothing would ever get accomplished. The reason we have sports is so that we can learn the joy of victory, as well as the agony of defeat. If after 90 minutes of playing no one has lost and no one has won, then we’ve wasted 90 minutes of our lives and might as well have had a compliment session where everyone goes around the room saying nice things about everyone else, and ending it with a big group hug and tearful smiles. People: it’s sports, not religion. Meaning, it’s not personal. If you are beaten by someone who was better than you that day, then you have learned a valuable life lesson or two and will be better for it. And that’s the whole point of sports anyway.
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4. Cliches
“It is what it is.” “We need to step up and make plays.” “He gives 110%.”
Stop it. Just stop it already. If you are not intelligent enough to give a thoughtful, well phrased response to a question, then don’t answer it at all. I’d rather hear you say “No comment,” your entire career than hear another “A win’s a win, and that’s all that matters.” I’m not expecting Socrates or Plato like response. I don’t even care if it makes sense. Just as long as YOU are construing YOUR thoughts, and YOUR feelings about the issue at hand, and not regurgitating age-old responses in order to get it over with quicker.
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3. Stupid Celebrations
The dog-pile on the mound. The Gatorade baths. The burning of cars following a championship. The jumping up onto the scorer’s table and screaming primeval grunts. It’s all got to go (by the way, all of these actions took place in professional, televised sporting events within the last six days). I would really prefer that when you score/win/make a good play that you act like you’ve done it before. But if you must celebrate, do so with class. And if you can’t muster a classy, professional display of happiness, then at least be creative and original. Chad Ochocinco-nueve-dix-carpe diem-Johnson (or whatever he’s calling himself these days) may be a clown, but at least he is imaginative. If you can’t celebrate maturely, then celebrate originally. That’s all I’m asking. (This includes “The Wave.” No other action could be made to show just how bored you actually are. So, if you’re bored enough at a sporting event to do “The Wave,” get up and go do something that interests you.)
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2. Vuvuzelas / Corny, Cliché Arena Music
The awful noise that never ends at those infernal soccer matches (you know the ones I speak of-they sound like a herd of tone deaf mammoths are being skinned alive and sautéed in Tabasco) ought to be against the Laws of the Geneva Convention. No one should have to endure the refuse that comes as result of blowing into one of those things.
Secondly, the music that is played at sporting events has been, well, played. Get a new gig, or get out and let someone else take over. “We Will Rock You,” and “Y.M.C.A,” and the like were cute for the first little while. But now it’s time to be innovative and find something new.
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And finally, the number one thing in sports that has got to be stopped IMMEDIATELY….
1.The Lakers Winning the NBA Championship
I don’t care if the Jazz win it every year, so don’t give me the "You're just a homer" baloney. I just get sick of seeing that Satanic purple and gold year after year after year, amidst the devilish purple and gold ticker tape rain, all accompanied by that smug, crooked, spoiled smile of Kobe Bryant as he pretends to feel the joy he will chase his whole life (I speak of TRUE joy, here, in case you didn’t catch on. You know, TRUE love, TRUE spirit, TRUE happiness. Not the kind that comes from winning basketball trophies). So please…PLEEEEAAAASSSEEEEE! Someone else step up next year and knock the Los Angeles Fakers off their high horse.
And that’s THE BOTTOM LINE.
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