NCAA Tournament: The Mascot Bracket

March Madness is finally here again!!! That special time of year when both adults and kids play hookie from school/work and glue their eyeballs to college basketball tournament games, hoping to see every "shining moment" that the win-or-go-back-to-your-final-exams format of a college playoff provides.

While we all love to see a George Mason run to the Final Four, or a Bucknell defeating Kansas in the second round, or even the awkward Jimmy V search-for-someone-to-hug celebration lap after an unlikely victory in the championship game.....it really doesn't help our social status at work/school/church/social media sites. If you're at all like me, you put a lot of thought and energy into preparing your "Brackets" every year, hoping to pull off that miracle of correctly selecting every winner in the tournament and receiving heaps of praise and respect from your peers for doing so. It's one reason I only circle the winners, and never cross out the losers. Nothing hurts me more than looking down at my work-of-art bracket and seeing giant red x's over my incorrect selections.....

So, in lieu of feeding you numbers AND analogies AND offensive efficiency vs defensive efficiency statistics AND why Cornell is this year's George Mason AND why Kentucky is better than Kansas AND whether or not BYU will finally get out of the first round (every year I promise myself I won't choose them....every year I forget that promise and stupidly pencil them in as winners....) AND how Syracuse is peaking at the right time AND so on AND so on AND so on.....I'm going to give you a completely different approach of how to fill in your brackets and win the office pool. An approach of innocent, juvenile, even childish proportions. One which Charles Darwin would have a hard time arguing with. My friends, I give you, The Mascot Bracket: The Food Chain Never Fails.

The rules are very simple. Make your picks based on which team's mascot would win a real life fight against the other. Throw out all knowledge of basketball and numbers you may have. Forget the fact that a 16th seed has never defeated a 1st seed. It doesn't matter. All you need to have is a general knowledge of the Animal Kingdom and how it works. Here's what I mean...

In the opening round Maryland takes on Houston. The Terapins (a turtle) against the Cougars. Obviously, a turtle has no shot against a Cougar. Hence, you would select Houston to win that game....etc. Get it?

After I went through and filled out my bracket this way, I have predicted the National Champion this season to be the St. Mary's Gaels. After all, who controls the elements? God. And no one can defeat God.

I did have a couple situations where Tigers met Tigers, Cougars met Cougars, or Aggies vs Aggies. In this case, I chose to eliminate both teams, assuming they would both kill each other in a fight. You may choose any other method you'd like, such as rock-paper-scissors, coin flipping, whose team colors are better, or even witch craft. It's up to you.

So, in conclusion, it doesn't matter who has the most potential NBA players on their team, or the best coach, or the most talent....all you need ask yourself is whether or not a Demon Deacon can beat up a Longhorn. Or if a Golden Eagle can hold its own when cornered by a Huskie. Or if a Buckeye plant could poison a Guacho.

Just remember, if anyone asks why you're picking Vermont to upset Syracuse in the first round, remind them that an Orange has no arms, legs, or even a brain, and therefore could not properly defend itself against the viscious Catamount of Vermont (Wildcat).

Go Gaels!!!